Your kid is an idiot.

I've been lax, I admit....

2005-11-27T09:23:00.000-06:00

So I realize it's been forever, and I apologize. Sometimes the things you see in the classroom are just too much to deal with. I'm going to start you off in this renewal of my blog with a picture of what I came back into my class to find on homecoming day... Weird as hell.

Also, another Trent story, worthy of note -- I still teach the poor child-- In a regular classroom discussion of silly things we did as small children, he raises his hand and says, "When I was little, I pooped in a cup and ate it."

It took me about 5 minutes to re-establish order in the classroom. At that point, I tried to get us back on track, and my efforts were fully thwarted when Wade asked, out of the blue, "Did you use a spoon?"

These are the days that try men's souls....

The Watergate Scandal

2005-04-19T20:32:00.000-05:00

Now I think it's time to tell you all about the REAL Watergate Scandal. You've all gotten to know Trent by now...

I had taught about the Watergate scandal for about 30 minutes one day, and to end the class, I said, "Trent, can you sum up the Watergate scandal for me?"

Trent: Um... I forgot....

Me: Okay, well, you better look it up.

So I gave him time, and later that day, I stopped him in the hall. I can only assume, as he told the story before me and several other teachers, that some kid with a sense of humor as morbid as mine had gotten to him.

Me: Trent, did you find out about Watergate?

Trent: Yeah! I did.

Mr. S: Okay, so what is it?

Trent: It's when President Nixon got mad and kicked a hole in the Watergate and that's how the Mississippi River got started.

And he believed it. In the words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up.

Today, as well, one of my students decided it was evil that there are no woman popes, and she vowed to become the first woman pope, until I said, "Laura, are you even Catholic?"

"No," she said. "Do you have to be Catholic to be the Pope?"

So now I fear not only for our country, but for our world. *sigh*

Owning the corporal punishment...

2005-04-06T09:55:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how you have to learn to relate to kids on their different levels. Some respond to encouragement. Some respond to correction. Some only respond to physical stimuli.

In the school where I teach, we still have some corporal punishment (and yes, I nearly typed "capital punishment," and at this point in my career I wouldn't necessarily be opposed... well, that's another thought for another day...) however the teachers in the classrooms cannot paddle. Paddling must be done by a coach or the headmaster.

Keith, the one with the brilliant poetry test you may have read by now, came into my class one day with a 1-lb bag of M&M's. Now this child makes all the obnoxious children you've ever known look like a choir of baby angels. He touches teachers all the time, sometimes inappropriately, and does ridiculous things such as leap off desks onto other students and talking loudly all the way through class even after being paddled or sent out into the hall, and every journal entry he writes is about "the itsy bitsy spider" who frankly is a perverted little spider and I think is possibly symbolic for something having to do with Keith's manhood. But I haven't completely decoded it yet.

Anyway, about the M&M's. After I'd told him twice to put them up and he didn't, I asked him to put them on my desk. He did so, but when the assistant principal came to my door to ask me a question, I turned around, and Keith had his M&M's back and he was eating them out in the open on his desk.

Something inside me snapped. I wrestled the bag away from him and beat him over the head with it until it burst and all the M&M's (there was about a quarter of a bag left) went all over the floor. All the kids were laughing, including Keith, and he said, "Ms. Nobody, you're going to have to buy me some new M&M's."

Instead, I handed him the broom and said, "Why don't you just sweep them up?" When he said no, I said, "Allrighty then. You can't go to lunch until you have picked up EVERY ONE of them and put them in the trash can..."

And we spent the rest of the class watching him on his hands and knees, gathering M&M's. It was a great day. :) And guess what else? He's never eaten in my class since.

Wow...

2005-03-29T14:28:00.000-06:00

Yes, by now you all know Trent. This is a Trent story.

One of my students made me the cute balloon flower you see in the picture. Sadly, when Trent asked me what it was, I said, "A 4-leaf clover."

He stood still and looked at it for a second, then said, "Really?"

So I said, "Yep."

"Well it's pink," he said.

"Yep," I said. "He ran out of green balloons."

"Oh." And he looked at it for a few more minutes and the hamster wheel turned in his head, then he put his head down and went to sleep. Too much exertion, I'm certain. :)

Quotes for the first half of the day...

2005-03-24T11:24:00.000-06:00

Yes, my three periods of 7th graders ALONE did this damage... Read on....

In a discussion about the show "Street Smarts," where they ask idiots easy questions and watch their stupid responses. A man on the show had said there were 72 days in a year.
Trent: Gah, everyone knows that.
Emma: How many are there, then?
Trent: 375.
Emma: No there aren't, dummy! There are 360, except on leap year, where there are 365!

We went to Mrs. M's class to eat cheese grits, which they made as part of their state social studies class:
Mrs. M: Does anybody remember three things the settlers used to make from corn?
Students: Grits.... cornbread....
Mrs. M: Good! What else? Remember, it's yucky....
Wade: SWEET POTATOES!!!!

The journal for today was, "It's not wheter you win or lose, it's....." and when I picked them up, I had 8 in one class who had written on "H's not whether you win or lose..."

Trent: Ms. Nobody, when they feed someone through a tube, how does the person know when he's full?

Wade started a discussion about how great it is to take a shower first thing in the morning, and how it wakes you up.
Dustin: Yeah, I like my shower because it has the one thing on that side, and another nostril on the other side.
Me: I'm rather disturbed by the thought of a shower with two nostrils, Dustin.
Sarah: Ooo!! What if you stuffed food up one of the nostrils?!?
(At this point, my thought was, "WTF?!??!!??!")

John: Ms. Nobody, how do you spell "stole?" Like, I stole something?
(Yes, these are 7th graders. And the word "stole" is still in question....)

Quotes for Wednesday, March 23...

2005-03-23T13:56:00.000-06:00

No lie, all these things were said in the course of either a literature class or a civics class today. When possible, I have left them in context. Remember all these are 7th and 8th graders, ages 12-14.

Trent*: "Ms. Nobody, why do they say that you have a frog in your throat? One time did someone put a frog down their throat and that's what it feels like?"
Me: "No, Trent, it's just a figure of speech."
Trent*: "Yeah, cause the frog would die, right?"

Dustin*: "Ms. Nobody, what does etc. mean?"
Me: "Etcetera."
Dustin*: "That's that skin disease. My mom has that."

At the end of a lengthy conversation on Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice and if they ran for President:
Dustin*: "Ms. Nobody, if that Rice girl ran against the black one..."
Me: "Dustin, for the last time, the black one is the Rice girl."
Dustin*: "Well if Hillary Rice ran against... wait... the Rice girl IS the black one?"
Me: "Yes. CONDOLEEZA Rice."
Dustin*: "Well then who's the other one?"

Tyler*: "Ms. Nobody, is it better to be a half-wit than not a half-wit?"
(Here I wanted to answer, "You tell me.")

Welcome to my blog.

2005-03-23T09:19:00.000-06:00

So this idea came about as I discussed some of the idiotic things I see every day with one of my friends. He pointed out that I should write it all down, and I told him that I do, in my blog. My personal blog, however, is just that: Personal. So here are the stories as they happen, that you, dear reader, can read. Please pray to sweet Jesus that this is not your child that I am writing about on a given day, because some of these children certainly can aspire to no more than a career in watching the grass grow, or possibly collecting toenail clippings at the local veterinary clinic.

First, I'd like to start you all off with a test that a child actually took in my class, just to let you know how abysmal things can get. This will set the tone for the rest of this blog, and I'm certain you'll get to know some of these children well. His answers are in caps.

Name: Keith* (*Names have been changed to protect the idiots).
Ms. Nobody's 5th period 8th grade lit

Who wrote “The Road Not Taken?”
HEY MRS. NOBODY

What is meant by the poem “Identity?” What does it mean to you? (At least 6 sentences.)
WHAT U DOIN

Who do you think the speaker is in “The City is So Big” and why? (At least 6 sentences.)
I FORGOT TO STUDIE

What are some reasons maybe the author of “Concrete Mixers” is comparing the two objects he’s comparing? (At least 6 sentences.)
JIMENEY CRIKET

What do you think is the general mood of the speaker in “The Road Not Taken” and why?
HE'S SO COOL

SHORT ANSWER:

What do the roads in “The Road Not Taken” symbolize?
LORD OF THE RINGS

What kind of poem is “400 Meter Free Style?”
CADILLACK ON 22"

What is the author of “Concrete Mixers” comparing the mixers to?
KEITH BOLTON

Why does the speaker in “The Road Not Taken” doubt that he will ever come back?
IN 1629 WHEN HE WAS YOUNG

What is free verse?
VERSE THAT IS FREE

What is Concrete Poetry?
A POEM THAT IS CONCREET

IDENTIFY THE QUOTE:

“I have seen machines eating houses And stairways walk all by themselves…”
AM I SLEEPIN?

“mobile mouth that siphons in the air that nurtures him..."
HIM IS A BIG BEAR ME IS COO

“Move like elephants Bellow like elephants Spray like elephants..."
HOLLIS* AND LANDON*

“To have broken through the surface of stoneto live, to feel exposed to the madnessof the vast, eternal sky."
MOLLY* OLIVIA* AND RACHEL*

“I shall be telling this with a sighSomewhere, ages and ages hence:”
YOU DO THAT

-HEART- KEIF

Now, do you want to cry when you think of the future of America? And you've seen just a glimpse of the things I deal with every day. Hug a teacher today. Even better, hand them a $100 bill, because you don't know a teacher who is paid what they deserve to put up with the Keiths of the world...